moonshadow3561's Journal

I wish I had the guts to send this to him!
Dear "what's-his-face,"

You know what I think? I think you really tried to be a nice, charming guy, but you just couldn't keep it up. You're right, people change for a little bit and then they change right back. Kinda like you did.

You say you are not like other guys. Well, no, you are worse, and do you know why? Because you pretend to be a nice guy, and then some naive innocent girl actually believes your act, and she gives herself over to you based on that assumption. It's manipulative. It gets you what you want at the expense of another human being.

You know why most girls don't let their boyfriends go away with "the guys?" It's because they don't trust them. Well, I trusted you. And then you went off signing girls' boobs and sticking your head between some girl's legs right in front of me. And you wonder why I stopped being happy around you? Do you know how hard it is to put on a happy face around a guy who you know is not trustworthy? Oh the guilt must have been horrible for you, poor baby...I know it must have been SO difficult for you to "cater to my needs" which included (gasp!) giving me a hug when I was crying rather than insulting me, or thinking before you speak so you would not say something extremely offensive and hurtful. Oh, I know, I was so damn needy! What was I thinking, expecting you to actually take my feelings into account before you spoke? Goodness, I know, I must have been so selfish. And the fact that I actually trusted you enough to confide in you? Oh, I know, I was being *horrible* by opening up to you and telling you things I don't normally tell people. I did not take into consideration the fact that you prefer to live in your bubble because you just plain can't handle hearing anything un-cheerful. You, you, you, you, you. Anyone who accuses someone else of being selfish, is usually the one who is being selfish. Oh, I know, how selfish was I to not hang out with you when I had homework to do! I was so selfish to go back to school! How horrible of me! I should have given that up and learned how to cook, right? Gotten some secretary type job and been a doting little wife who "knows her place," right?

And I was soooooooo selfish for not breaking up with you! How awful I was, actually thinking that you were with me because you wanted to be with me! I was so selfish for crying when you said cruel things to me! How dare I have done that?! How dare I have made you feel bad for saying those things?! I was so selfish for actually being human and having feelings! And I was so selfish for expecting you to realize that, since I was in recovery for an eating disorder, it was not ok for you to get on my case for eating certain things! I know, I asked a lot! I actually asked that you take my feelings into account before you spoke! How awful of me, right? What a huge request that was! How dare I have expected that when I told you certain things you said were hurtful, you would stop saying them? That was unreasonable. You're right, you should be able to say and do whatever you want without having to take anyone else's feelings into account.

Biggest mistake I made? I made the mistake, after about a year and half, of stooping to your level. Well, lesson learned. See ya!

I'm still just so blah...

Like there's no way in the world he'll give me another chance, when the truth is I didn't realize how much I was doing wrong until we had the huge break-up fight. And he doesn't believe I'm capable of change. And there's no way to prove it. I asked him how I could prove it and he said "be creative."

I told him I learn from my mistakes, and he said "you have to live to learn." I told him I know what it's like to want to live because I know what it's like to want to die. And then he accused me of living in the past.

For a long time everyone kept saying how much he had changed since he started dating me....but then he changed back and he says he's moving up and up, maybe I'm just selfish...

He got mad at me for not reading his signs. For not realizing he was no longer wanting to be in the relationship. Well pardon me for assuming he'd have the balls to tell me rather than waiting for me to figure it out.

And now he's mad that I think about it too much. He says I should stop thinking about it and move on.

But he was so into me, more so when I was sick. And then he accuses me of crying to guilt trip him. When he's the one that told me long ago that I should talk to him when I was feeling down.

And now he's met someone new. Jeez that was quick.

Perhaps later he'll realize he had a good thing. I never got mad at him for going away with his friends. I never asked him to give up those things. Most girls would get mad and beg him to spend all his time with them.   I never asked that of him. In fact, most of the time I was busy and I got seriously pissed off that he was always calling wanting to go play when I had school work to do. But that's what makes me think that I really did take him for granted.

He yelled at me for biting my tongue too much. He got mad when I told him if something he said hurt me. He said I was too sensitive. He said I need to stand up for myself. He said I need to brush off the things he says. He says he wants someone who listens to him because he doesn't like repeating himself.

He got on my case for giving money to homeless people, or for buying food for homeless people when they asked for money. Said I was enabling them or something.

Got on my case for being friends with Kyle (an ex-boyfriend who's now gay but was still my best friend). He took away pictures I had of me and Kyle (gave the picture back to me after the break-up).

Accused me of being too emotional when he broke up with me.   When I said "well duh I'm upset" he accused me of making excuses.

When I told him how pathetic it was that he keeps failing school time and time again while his parents pay for it, he called me the C-word (ok well this was after we were broken up and perhaps I provoked it).

He says I'm too much of a downer. What bugs me though is that no one else in my life was saying that...he says it's because most people won't tell me to my face...I told him it was because his constant criticism was bringing me town...he says he criticized me because he cared and because he wanted me to hear criticism from him rather than have people say it behind my back. Things like making faces or wearing certain shoes or carrying a purse at the gym or talking too loud...

I just wish there were a way to get another chance, but I can't do that when it feels like a freakin audition.

ARGH.

Wow...
So, two weekends ago, I was supposed to sing in a chorus concert. I had a cough, and I also had to finish my honors thesis and that friday and saturday were gonna be lost if I did the concert. So I e-mailed the girl in charge of attendence, didn't do the concert. I thought this was a really good thing, because I was actually doing something good for myself. Avoiding setting myself up for being over-stressed and pulling all-nighters, which would have been disastrous in terms of the e.d.

Well anyways...today at chorus rehearsal the director pulled me aside, and with the entire chorus watching, yelled at me, quite harshly. Of course I start crying, explained to him what my reasons were, he keeps yelling, storms away, etc. So there I am standing by myself amongst the pews in the middle of the chapel where we rehearse with the entire chorus about 100 feet away warming up, and then it starts...I start hyperventilating. Wind sitting on the floor, gasping for air, crying, finally go up with the rest of the chorus and sit in back, still hyperventilating quite loudly. So a friend of mine takes me in the basement to talk/ try to calm down. (of course there were guys from glee club down there, how lovely for me to be making a scene). I was freaking out, lost feeling in my hands, then lost feeling basically all over, I was all tingly and still gasping. Finally get somewhat of a grip and go sit in back and cry quiety through the rest of rehearsal. Leave at the end.

I would assume the director owes me something of an apology? Of course it won't happen. I have never been so overcome like that, I literally could not breathe...I don't think he realizes the full brunt of what he said. I was doing something good for myself FINALLY. I finally said "no" to something and put my own health and sanity first. I finally realized I was not superhuman and could not rehearse all weekend and finish my thesis at the same time. I have a REALLY hard time saying no to anyone, I aim to please everyone, I need everyone's approval, and that's hard enough...it's even harder for me to say no to something for the sole purpose of maintaining my recovery. So when he yelled at me, I was just so incredibly crushed. I mean, you'd think once I was on the floor he would have maybe said something? I love singing with the chorus, I hate that the past two years I was unable to really be "there" 100% because my mind was such a mess. So this year I've been putting in so much effort, making sure to sit in front so I pay more attention, going over music at home...way better than the past two years, and NOW I get yelled at. And this is one of the professors I really liked. I even tried e-mailing him several times the past three years when things were going downhill because I wanted to talk, and I thought I could confide in him, for example, right before I had to leave school to get treatment two years ago...of course I never got to talk to him...but just the fact that I really felt like I would have been able to confide in him, makes his yelling at me all the more hurtful. I don't want to drop out of chorus and the a capella group...that would mean I'd be all by myself all the time in my apartment, I can't stand that thought. I mean, that's why I decided to do chorus and a capella this year, so I could have time to do something I loved doing with people I like. Now I just feel so alone, and of course EVERYONE saw this happen, and I don't know what to do now. I hate feeling like a lazy fat pig for taking care of myself. Of course that ed voice is saying "fatass, you fucked it all up just so you could fucking keep to your recovery, just so you could fucking eat, you stupid fat lazy piece of shit." This is not a fun way to feel. I just want someone here right now to talk to, and I just feel so alone and so...wretched.

Current Mood: crushed

EEEEEEEEEEEK
This always happens, a few days before a paper is due, huge manic streak takes over and I just go like a hamster on speed or something. I'm slightly freaked out...it's like all teh stress and anxiety I had has just turned into this crazy energy. Which is good because I'll get this done and I'm writing like mad, but, argh first tehre's the fact that soemtimes I stop making sense when I get to this state and second, well, I reeeeeeeeeally don't want this to be followed by a crash of sorts. But then, hell, after this i CAN crash for a day or two if I want. Besidse the boy will be here. And stress makes me want to, you know, relive stress via certain methods involving said boy. Er, right...

Hmmm....

Home for the week. I got really sick somehow, brilliant timing I must say. But I'm trying to keep positive. At least I got an excuse to come home! And I don't have to worry about class or rehearsals this week now, so I can JUST work on my honors thesis (2 weeks and a day till it's due!!! ARGH!!!). Plus I'm forced to relax and prioritize and whatnot, which is a good lesson for me. Oh, and my sweet, sweet boyfriend drove up to take me home last night (I was seeing double and stuff and all I wanted was to go home!!!).

I'm actually feeling better anyways...I just HATE being sick when I'm away at school. It just sucks, really and truly.

Bah...slightly stressed out...but i'll make it through, I know I will.

It's so weird lately, I just feel so non-eating-disordered. It's like this whole element of my life is just...gone. And I mean, it's a good thing, ya know? But still when I actually think about it...it weirds me out a bit. And looking at pictures from last spring, goodness, I had no clue I looked like that, and I admit a part of me thinks "hey, you could do it again" I quite frankly have no desire to do so. I mean, it's just not WORTH it.

Though I worry what's going to happen when this thesis is done, when school is done, when I no longer have all this stuff to keep me busy and motivated. But I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...

Alrighty...nyquil makes me sleeeeeeeeepy. I must be better by tomorrow! Argh! I swear my lungs are like, saturated with something and it's freaking gross. And my head's been all wonky like it's gonna fall off or something. But being home cures almost everything. So here's hoping to feeling better tomorrow so I can actually accomplish a significant amount on this thesis.

Current Mood: sore

One simple conversation is all it takes to bring me to tears, to keep me up at night, to turn this body once again into a filthy, fat, wretched thing... How could I ever explain to him how much I hurt? I try so hard not to be the typical girlfriend, never to be clingy or emotionally dependent, never to argue, and above all, never to feel fat. So when I jokingly comment on the standard attire of girls at clubs these days -- "lingerie and skin tight jeans," and he comments to me "I dunno, your jeans are pretty tight," I could never let him see me cry...and maybe he didn't notice when I kissed him goodnight that I felt like screaming. When I left the hospital, these jeans did not even stay up, and now, they're about average. I don't have to unbutton them except for the top button to get them on or off, I can sit indian-style in them, they sit just below my hipbones...isn't that how jeans are supposed to fit? They are slightly bigger than my frame is, so they hang neatly against my body, skimming it without pinching. And yet, that little phrase "well your jeans are kinda tight," continues to echo in my mind and I feel like someone is punching me over and over. Like I have to lose weight now, be that sick skinny thing I was last spring just to spite him or something, even though I know his comment probably meant nothing...after all, he considers anything tight that differs from the baggy jeans guys wear...But what if he really does think I'm fat? I can never, ever have this conversation with him, and so instead I dwell on it, decide now I need to start working out, lose weight, until they are baggy like last spring...It's like I can suddenly feel the fat stomach of mine growing, despite the growling of my stomach. There will be no "night-time snack" tonight, no not tonight, not when I feel this horrid. How in the world am I supposed to eat tomorrow? When all I can think of is that one comment which he has probably already forgotten about.

And as he pulled out of the driveway, I was sitting on the steps smoking a cigarette and crying, but smiled and waved when all I really wanted was to run out and stop him, and tell him what I was feeling, get some sort of reassurance from him. But I can never do that. Despite my efforts, I am the biggest cliche of all. I just hide it excellently.

Blah...Just feeling discontent lately.

I think the reason I cling to the past so much is because I am, at heart, a drama queen. Somehow being sick and depressed and out of control makes me feel worthwhile, and so if I'm healthy in the present, I constantly dwell on the past. I feel like if I let that go, then I'll really be just humdrum and boring and there will be nothing to make me different from anyone else. It's an illogical argument, granted. I do the same thing with songs, listen to songs that I know will remind me of bad times and make me sad, but I do it anyway.

But anyways...I don't know what's changed for me. This summer, I had such motivation and I loved doing things, and I had the energy and focus to do them, and it was just great. But now, somehow, it's all dissipating. I find myself staying up late crying over crazy thoughts that run through my mind. Find myself not wanting to go anywhere or do anything.

Getting out of IP was like waking from the dead or something. The novelty, the challenge, it kept me going at full speed, pushing through any and all barriers. It hurt, a lot, but I forced myself through it. And besides hurting makes me feel worthwhile so, I guess that made it easier to take care of myself. But now it's worn off. I seem to lack the follow-through, even though I do not want to go back the the disorder, I find myself unfulfilled and scared with the prospect of health.

It's like this never-ending series of days...wake up, complete various tasks, go to sleep, repeat. I get so bored with everyday life, and it gets to the point that I cannot stand it. But I don't know what to do about it. I have not yet found my place in the world, I guess. I just feel like I need to do something different, something wonderful, but nothing is ever enough. And sometimes life can seem so insignificant in the scheme of things...I want to be remembered, I want to be important, I NEED to be important and wonderful and loved, and yet no outside force ever can give me that I guess...Sure, temporarily, but nothing permanent. Always ends with me feeling empty once again.

I wish I knew what it would take to make me feel content, fulfilled. I feel this constant longing for *something* but for the life of me can't figure out what it is. I get so incredibly bored by everyday life. I thrive on intensity and chaos and extremity of emotion, yet I also know those things destroy me. Is it just a matter of learning to be content in the moment? Like buddha or something?

I just can't shake this feeling that I'm somehow innately different. And not that I'm the only one, because there are quite a few others who understand exactly the feelings I describe...but it's like...like some people just somehow feel things differently than the majority, or than what's considered "normal." Everything is intensified, more urgent. There's always this sense that there has to be something MORE, something amazing and spectacular, but nothing's ever enough. The word "longing" seems so melodramtic, but it's the only way to describe what it is that I feel so often. It's like I somehow lack the internal mechanism that moderates emotion or something. My mind runs rampant at everything and everything. Nothing just "is" there's always a story behind it, always something tragic or joyful.

And then to totally change topics. . .

When I first got out of IP, I felt justified taking care of myself. I was sick, I knew I was sick, and I ate my mealplan and did everything I was supposed to do. It was like coming to life after being dead or something. But now the novelty has worn off. I'm not sick now, and so it's hard for me to justify taking care of myself. Easier to beat up on myself, to stop sleeping, stop eating, go crazy. But I don't WANT to go back to the life I had last year. Nor do I ever want to go through the pain of the intial stages of recovery either. The crying after every meal, the constant emotional discomfort, feeling like everything known had been wrenched from me. I don't want to do that again. And yet I have this need to constantly have a challenge. Once I've reached a certain point, accomplished a certain amount, I start feeling empty again.

On that note, I have to wake up in 6 hours. I slept through this class wednesday so I CANNOT do that twice in a row.

Gah...I just don't understand why I'm perpetually dissatisfied.

Why do I think about relapsing now? I walk through stores and it just seems so easy to do, to go back, escape the newfound stresses and whatnot, replace them with the familiar...I mean, the ed may be a dead-end, but at least ya know where you're going. It's frustrating because I want to, you know, go back to a behavior but at the same time I don't really want to, so I just end up thinking about it a lot, which kinda sucks.

Feeling overwhelmed a bit, maybe. For some reason I really miss Eric right now, and I guess that freaks me out a bit as well. I'm not used to missing anyone. Last year I avoided people, so it didn't really matter.

Just feeling a bit empty or something. Not sure what it is. Not sure what I am looking for, what will make me content. Sometimes it all seems so pointless, like, any accomplishment you get, is anyone going to even remember it when you're dead? I want to do something permanent, something great and phenomenal, but I just lack the energy or something.

Maybe I'm just feeling burnt out because it's Friday. And because I miss my sweetie.

Current Mood: restless

Me? Update? What?
Hmmm....

I am back at school now, in my own apartment...Stuck well with recovery over the summer, still trudging along, but...

I am feeling overwhelmed, and I don't know why, and I don't know what to do about it. I have urges to go back to the disorder, urges that haven't been this strong in a long time. And really, I don't *want* to go back, not at all, but the notion keeps popping into my head. I did slip last night, and you know what? I did not enjoy it in the least bit. Like, woah, purging used to feel good? I don't have the intense urge to binge either, and I don't really WANT to, but for some reason I feel compelled to, though tonight I'm fighting it.

I just feel overwhelmed here at school. Is it fear of failure? Home-sickness? Loneliness? I just feel "unsafe" somehow, like a little kid who wants their mommy or something.

I have a hard time with Eric, talking to him about any of this...he's very much a "put the past behind you" type person. He's also one that believes that you can overcome depression or any other mental type issue on your own, that the mind is a powerful thing, etc. He says things when I take my meds, and stuff like that. He's more of a "Mr. Fix-it" than a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. I mean, it's good that he's an optimist, but sometimes that can feel like invalidation or something. He makes me feel sometimes like I dwell too much on the past, which may be true, but...But the truth is the past still follows me, and I can't just separate myself from it...or maybe he's right and I'm wrong. I cried in front of him Friday, which is weird anyways, crying in front of my boyfriend...and then he decides to go home because it was getting late, and I really, really did not want to be left alone right then. Argh. Maybe I should tell him, though, that I am not always looking for solutions, that sometimes I'm just looking for comfort. It seems like he just doesn't even want to think or know about just how bad things were for me last year, and yet all I want to do is tell him everything and cry on his shoulder and have him hold me and tell me it's going to be ok.

He still hasn't returned the "I love you," which kinda gets to me. I mean, he shows it in his actions, but I want to hear those words. At the same time, I find myself wanting to push him away so I can go back into my shell where it's safe and numb, but also lonely and painful as hell.

I want to talk to someone tomorrow about all this, but my therapist is out of town and I don't get to see her until september 1st...I'm thinking of maybe trying to talk to someone else tomorrow if I'm still feeling like this. I keep myself up late at night for no reason other than that I don't feel like sleeping, even if I'm dead tired. I feel tired all day, which makes no sense given the adderall and the amount of caffeine I drink all day. I think maybe I just get too many things on my mind, too many "to do's" and then I wind up not being able to do one thing.

Maybe I'm just melancholy tonight...

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Eric's Mix CD

I'm going crazy...I feel like relapsing, holy CRAP do I feel like relapsing. Except I won't let myself. Seems I am too addicted to food now to restrict...and I won't purge, so...

I just feel so crappy. Hit my "goal" which was 100, and now I am FLIPPING out. Feel like I need to cut back drastically on the food so I don't keep gaining. Feel like my body is out to get me. Like I can't *really* be hungry, I must just be a pig or something. I feel so, so fat, I cannot stand it. And I do not click with my therapist and that sucks even more. I want to talk about other things, about all the shit that is surfacing and all we talk about is food, weight, and me doing a partial program (do NOT want to do it, no way). I've realized a lot of shit. Like how all my self-esteem comes from the outside. From things I accomplish, or from pleasing others, but unless I've succeeded in something or accomplished something, I feel worthless. Like, what am I worth just for *existing*? I can't wrap my head around that. And I know, I know, if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it. Story of my life. Keep pushing myself to try harder, better, faster, thinner, prettier, smarter...always thinking it will make me finally feel whole, feel "enough," but it never is. So where does that come from? I mean, is it just going to come out of thin air? I feel so empty, and I feel so disgusting in this new body, and I feel incredibly weak and dependent on an over-active appetite...like my body is plotting against me or something. What if I don't stop gaining? And even if I do level out, what am I without this? And no partial program is gonna answer me that one. I mean, it's life, people. the real world where you figure that out.

Argh...going crazy, yes sirree, yes I am...

Huh?
I was sooooooooooooooo convinced I'd gained massive weight and was well within my "goal weight" range. Got weight today at therapy and asked if I was there yet. Nope. LOST a bit since I saw her on Friday. Not enough to really worry, could just be that I lost the last of the water weight. But still, dude, I am eating so, so, so freakin much. Drinking ensure plus, eating protein bars, in ADDITION to a pretty hefty meal plan. And I FEEL like I have gained about 20 bazillion pounds. ARGH. I think when I see my doctor next wednesday I'll actually look at the scale when I get weighed, just because, well, right now I'm convinced these people are not telling me the truth. I feel sooooooo self-conscious at this weight, which I know logically isn't THAT much higher than I was before. I mean, we're not even talking 10 pounds from where I was before treatment, so logically, I cannot have gone from scrawny to fat in less than 10 pounds.

Just at the point where I'm sick of planning my meals so much. Trying to just kinda keep doing what I've been doing the past week, sticking to the basic meal plan, but I absolutely cannot go back to drinking an ensure with every meal plus one at night. Much easier for me to do some supplement at meals, and the rest at snacks, or stuff like mixing ensure plus with the many cups of coffee I drink. ARGH.

In other thoughts...I'm so used to living on edge. To constantly be seriously depressed, or over-the-top crazy. To bounce around and exhaust myself. Being out of control, wild... It's like, if I'm not doing that, who am I? If I'm not tortured or manic, who am I?

Gosh darnitall I can like, feel fat all over my body and it seriously blows. I want to like, workout hard but I *know* that is not an option at this point. Dammit I feel like the fat cells are expanding with every passing minute.

Maybe I should see my nutritionist at school on Thursday. Maybe she can talk some sense into me...tell me it's muscle I'm gaining, tell me I'm not 20 pounds heavier...probably would be worth the 2 hour drive to see her. Must remember to call tomorrow. Hmph.

Just updating to let the world know I'm still here. :)

Doing well...

Although, today my roommie from this past year e-mailed me some pictures...and just seeing how thin I was, how tiny my arms were, how much my chest bones potruded...kinda triggering, to put it lightly. It would be so easy to restrict now, so easy to drop a few pounds and get that thin again, but at what price? I know that I do not function well at that weight. I know those smiles were either fake or coke-induced (which is still fake). I was miserable, but I was thin. Stick thin. And now here I am, guzzling ensures and eating my protein bars still trying to get up to my goal weight, which is still low for me, but still...hard to look at those pictures. Hard to see, to really see, how scrawny I was. But what if I stop being "the thin one?" It's this weird identity crisis. I know there are other, more interesting things about me that make me stand out, but dammit I was the Thin One and now...I look healthy.

Sometimes health can feel weird. Happiness feels weird. It's hard for me to accept the fact that maybe I really AM happy sometimes. I'm so used to just having the sporadic mania, faking it so well even I fall for it...so when I catch myself feeling good, it's hard to believe that I actually may be happy.

Oh and on a funny sidenote...heehee...had my first "sex in the backseat of a car" experience. Followed, the next night, by a "omg ok we have at least 5-10 minutes before my parents get home...let's go!" Haha, I feel like I'm in high school or something. But...hey, at least my sex drive is healthy. ;) The boy doesn't seem to mind. ;)

Hmmm....yeah, still not at TF much. Not much time, really. Doing a lot of work around my house (my source of income this summer is, uh, doing things for my parents around the house. But hey, I needed income and I'm only home for the summer, and have all sorts of appts and stuff so trying to get a real job would be rather difficult). Working on my honors thesis. Trying to chill out a bit.

Damn, those pics are still weighing on my mind. I'd finally gotten to the point of being "skinny" again. But I know, truly, that it was not fulfilling. It's a massive illusion and you tend to forget that. You see the thinness and you want that sickness again. You forget that you were miserable, that at the time you would have willingly gained the weight just to end the misery. Because I had finally decided it was recovery or death. I never want to feel like that again. And I have to fight off the voice saying "just restrict a LITTLE bit, workout a LITTLE bit more, the weight will fall off, you can be that thin again..." That voice lies. It lies, it lies, it lies.

I want to thank everyone for the comments.

I am still feeling uncomfortable, but not unbearably so. Just a dull, throbbing pain that becomes more acute towards meal times. I wish I knew how to deal with it. And I wish I knew when it would go away, or how to make it go away sooner. I guess the stricter I am about following my mealplan -- not cutting corners, etc -- the easier it will be. Kinda like entering a cold swimming pool. Better to just dive in, and eventually you adjust. Otherwise it's painfully slow and you keep stepping out of the water and, you know... I just want this aching feeling inside to dissipate. Right now, eating is a chore. I have to just sit down, focus on getting all the food in that is required on my meal plan, shut out any obsessive thoughts, and then afterwards do something to distract myself so I don't dwell on what I've eaten.

The anxiety over it is obnoxious. But then, if I look back, at least this is a tolerable anxiety. In the past, it's been absolutely unbearable, usually setting in around day 3 of eating better. At the hospital, Friday I was just sobbing all afternoon and all evening because the anxiety and discomfort was so intense. So, it would seem that it IS getting easier.

I wish I had exchanged numbers with another girl who was discharged the same day as me. Just, you know, to keep each other on track, get support, stuff like that.

I also wish there were an ED recovery sponsor program like there is with AA. Where, when you leave the hospital, you are connected with a sponsor in your area, someone to call daily at first, then maybe a few times a week. Someone to help you through that icky middle ground. A guide, or something. And also someone who can testify to the fact that it IS possible to pull through and come out on the other side.

Hmmm...

Recovery, thoughts, difficulties...
Got back from an inpatient stay at Friends Hospital Philly today...

Many thoughts going through my mind. Sticking to my meal plan is my priority right now...it's just so hard. I force myself to do it, but so many times, after eating, I just want to cry. So much food...Try not to think about it. It's just...so.much.food.

Called my nutritionist from school today, even though there was a nutritionist at the hospital. She assured me that the meal plan was ok for me. Said that when you get out of treatment, your body has been through so much stress, and it needs so much nutrition just to heal itself and get working again, that you actually need a pretty large number of calories just to maintain. Is this true?

And it's not even just the weight...I am still a bit under the goal weight set by the hospital, and really, according to that 100 pounds + 5 for every inch thing, I still need to gain 5 more after that goal weight. Which is ok with me. It's just the food...the planning, the struggle to eat it all, the guilt after eating it, the guilt for taking care of myself...it gets so overwhelming. I just feel like crying, and I can't pinpoint why.

I'm at this in-between stage where I absolutely do not want to relapse, and I do not want to use the behaviors, but recovery is still very uncomfortable. I guess that's part of it? But how long does it take? After a few days of planning, preparing, and eating my meals, will it start to feel less uncomfortable?

I vascillate between feeling extremely motivated, and depressed. I follow the plan, because that is my priority, and sometimes it's easy, sometimes I just want to cry looking at the food. Want to cry when planning meals. I know that I have to push through this most painful stage to come out the other side, I just wish it would happen faster. But at least...at least I have people to help me through. I'm not going through it alone.

And now I'm crying so I'm going to go talk to my mom.

Haven't logged into TF yet. Not sure I can at this point.

So bummed...
Today was graduation. So everyone is leaving. Next year, it'll just be me. I can't seem to wrap my brain around the notion that I will not have these people to just call up and walk over to visit. That I will not be running into them on campus or at the bars. I feel so...I dunno. Lonely, deserted, anxious...how is it possible they are all going to be out of my life now? And it's not like I've allowed myself to become close enough to anyone that I will expect to keep in touch...I wonder if any of them know how much they've meant to me? I hate when I can feel this emotion start to well up, but it doesn't ever surface. Just bubbles under my skin long enough so that I know it's there, but not strong enough to get it out. I guess I'm just really sad. And bummed. I'm the only one not graduating this semester. Feel like I've let this ED take away so much of my college experience, and now I'm watching it all slip away as people leave. And I feel so empty now.

Current Mood: sad

Comforted. I just want to be comforted. Like a five year old who's scraped her knee. I just want things to be ok. Why can't I feel happy anymore? Have I screwed myself up beyond repair? And why do I continue to do so? I want so badly to be ok so why don't I see any benefits yet? Where is the power of the mind? Why can't I pull myself through this? Why do I insist on doing precisely the things that I know will harm me?

Overwhelmed...so overwhelmed...parties outside, happy people. They'll wake up tomorrow a bit hungover, but still happy with themselves. Why is it that somehow when I feel something, it's so much more acute? Why is it that sadness or pain for me is absolutely unbearable? I feel like most people don't even understand it. There's this indescribable feeling that I just cannot stand, and I do not know where it stems from and it haunts me, and yet I keep doing things that ensure that it will continue to stay by my side.

I just need...I don't know what I need. Nothing is ever enough. I never feel satisfied in any aspect of my life. Grades, relationships, food, drugs, anything...I always feel like I'm still missing something, like nothing is ever quite enough. So what is this huge void inside? And how in the world can I make it go away? Therapy can be such a joke sometimes. I want sympathy dammit. Not a contemplative look followed by the scratching of a pen on a notebook. I just feel so empty and so lacking. I want to feel ok. I cannot live like this and I lack the conviction to end it and I want a future but it's so daunting and all I am doing now is hurting people and pushing them away and if things are not going to get better why bother? I mean if things are going to get better than I can handle that, I have something to hope for. But sometimes I just wish I'd died years ago so I wouldn't be here now. I know that is insanely selfish. I know I've done a lot of good over the past few years. But I still feel horrid and it's my own fault. I bring this on myself.

It's so easy to lose yourself in the madness. But then you step aside and realize that there is no beauty in this. It all seems so terribly romantic and enticing. To just go crazy. To throw yourself into chaos and not look back. To keep pushing, further and further, see how far you can take it. It's a great way to escape the humdrum of life and responsibilities. You convince yourself the real world is just too painfully boring. And the thought of sobriety begins to scare you. Because you need to feel the free-fall. But it's never enough. You keep wanting to spin faster, to dive further. Lose yourself in it. And then you step aside, the little voice inside that wants something better, it surfaces and then you grieve for what you've lost, for what you've become, but you still can't seem to break your fall...not just yet. And for a while you immerse yourself in the ecstasy of insanity, of pushing boundries, brilliant creativity flows through your veins and you feel alive for a bit. Only to be left with an overwhelming sense of emptiness.

I do not know what has become of me, or what will become of me.

At this point, I think it'd be quite sweet to die, just to spite my doctors and make them feel like shit for not listening to me. Fuck this. I want to have my life, I want to do all the things I know I could be doing. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. So angry. I am dying and no one is willing to help me.

Edited to add: I just made all my old entries private. Too much whining for anyone's good. Damn LJ though for not having a "select all" option. Dude that took me forever and a half. Er...this'll be private too shortly. I dunno what is up with me. Just kinda...isolating, and frustrated and pissed off.

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